1. My Psycho 2 4:3 (meaning it’s super thick for warmth) full wetsuit got jacked in front of Zack’s, a surf shop by Huntington Beach Pier’s southside, after I got distracted because I had to surf blind that day since my contacts refused to sit on my eyeballs, as I was putting away the Chamm Siren 7” ish longboard I rented from Joey Pasha, who was also having a shitty day. Note to self: GET INTERNS AND BACKUP.

2. Helped a Marine get back to Camp Pendleton after all his friends got DUI’s after we told them not to drive after dancing at Sharkeez with my good friend Christian Calvert and some awesome new people, including girls from San Diego (Tiffany, one I’ll call Gypsy Rose who’s petite and dynamic and on the prowl for more gypsies, Rhiannon, Scott, etc.) Locals + out of towners who get along = best. Communication is key, so please be nice to people who aren’t townies. Don’t be dicks and don’t start bar fights.

3a. Spent the night at Camp Pendleton, and then hustled it out of there, Alias-style, in the morning, after pretending to be a Marine wife. Again. It’s either I’m fake-engaged to Marines or married to them. I think I’ll go visit my Royal British Marine Commander, Cliff Wells, once I hop the pond in August to London after stopping in NYC to check in with my art dealer, M. Brendon, of M Magazine / Publishing, after the U.S. Open of Surfing, July 18-26, ends.

3b. I was unceremoniously thrown out of the McDonald’s on the military base after this angry fat white guy snarled at me, and they said I was being subversive — um, I was trying to get gas money and then was accused of being a prostitute after the Marine I dropped off at the 5th regiment, Gillespie, like Dizzy Gillespie and Dizzee Rascal, coincidentally, nicely drove me back to base and provided a bunk to sleep on. However, he did not have cash but I got rescued by Davies & friends, three Marines who are getting out in August and moving to LA. Boys, you better keep looking for places to live. The system of “proving oneself” through the Marines is fucked up.

The security at Camp Pendleton is good (JUST KIDDING, THEY LET ME IN!) but the Marines need to be better treated and taken care of, because many of them are just boys who need to have their energy and frustrations better channeled, or they’ll quit and break things and get too drunk and get DUIs or blow off a finger playing with illegal fireworks. My business partner/brother Brennan, from Simi Valley, was reunited with his BFF Cory (also a Marine) by me after I pretended to be engaged to him on the Amtrak train from La Jolla, CA headed north, where we met a girl named Tara who’s from SLO (San Louis Obispo) and is a international business student and kicks ass, where he got a free ticket due to my shenanigans/superior skills, and ended up at Disney’s California Adventure, where I got us the military + employee discount, among other things, by knowing how the system works.

If you know how the system works, then you can point out flaws or keep them to yourself to walk through walls when you need to. I personally point out the ones I want to point out when I need to, and then quality control the rest myself.

Oh. The point of this is that I was thrown out of McDonald’s after being accused of being a prostitute and a terrorist. AFTER I SUPPORTED THE TROOPS AND GOT GILLESPIE HOME SAFELY AND BOUGHT HIM TACOS FROM DEL TACO. Irony is being threatened with a military escort after you have personally escorted the military back onto their homebase, only to find that someone’s siphoned some of your gas, so you’re running on FUMES and the check engine light is on as well and the fuel gauge says “FUEL!!!!” and you’re stuck in bumfuck nowhere man’s land literally in the HILLS which have EYES (govt. cameras are everywhere) and there are TANKS driving around along with men in uniforms and short shorts.

Fuck you, McDonald’s.

I’m sticking with Del Taco and In & Out.

4. I’d like a meeting with Kanye West, since I have already spoken to John Legend’s people. Perhaps after having lived with Mark Zuckerberg, Dustin Moskovitz and Sean Parker (founders of Facebook, Sean being the founding President unceremoniously ousted after some personal issues in fall 2005 and now the chairman of Causes), I can somehow swing this.

5. I have decided that I want to acquire Facebook for Causes, where I was the founding and first Director of Support, Partnerships and Special Ops (www.causes.com) and answered over 87,000 e-mails in one year, and was responsible for all our users and was half of the nonprofit team with our Director of Nonprofit & Business Relations, Randall Winston. Randall’s at UVA for grad school now, but I think I am not going back to school for a long time. I’m going to dominate the working world and become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company — my own. I just need to be surrounded by entrepreneurial minds who reach for the stars.

6. A man’s reach has to exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for? — Robert Browning, who was madly in love with Elizabeth Barrett Browning and half of one of the best couples that ever lived. I aspire to that. I would like to be asked out on more dates, personally, by boys who don’t think chivalry is dead, and will dance with me and not be insecure and paranoid that I’m flirting with their friends. Because guess what? I’m not. I’m just having fun and want everyone to have fun as well, so DEAL WITH IT.

7. Want pussy? Don’t be one. Man the fuck up.

(You may quote me and put that on a t-shirt, just censor it a bit perhaps for children.)

8. Setting everything up for my world tour is exhausting. I would like traveling companions, who are available to head to NYC from Huntington Beach/John Wayne/LAX to NYC in two weeks. Volunteer by texting me at 917.747.1855 and e-mail me at tam@lemonland.net.

9. I need a camera and documentary filmmakers who want to travel. If you have one, and want to travel with me around the world in August, and can take HD video or high resolution in general and upload things to Vimeo, you’re hired.

10. I also got hit by two surfboards while trying to ride my boogie board in San Clemente. Now my shins are bruised, I look like I’ve been giving blowjobs while crouched on pavement